Advice for a younger self

Friday lunchtime musings

The average lifetime in the Western world is said to be around 80 years so if asked to guestimate how many days that would be, what would be your answer? No calculators or frantic mental maths allowed! 30,000? 50,000? 75,000? 100,000? 150,000 or 200,000? It’s actually 30,000 days, so that’s an average of 4,000 weekends, which, if you think about, you’ve probably already had a fair few of already…

To put it another way, for ease, if you take the biblical allotment - 3 score and 10, therefore 70 years, and equate each decade of your life to a day of the week, you can work out which day of the week you’re on. So, 0 to 10 years is Monday, 11 to 20 is Tuesday and so on… which day are you on? I’m on Friday lunchtime which certainly gives me food for thought and is my motivator to keep pushing myself forward - to constantly think about what I want to be and achieve.

On the Winning Edge, we talk about the day of the week we’re on in terms of how old we are. Remember – 0 to 10 years is Monday, 11 to 20 is Tuesday and so on… This analogy usually packs a punch and everyone always thinks they’re on a day less than they actually are. Or at least wishes they were… Well, spoiler alert, I’m on Friday lunchtime and I often ponder life and the universe as I head towards my fiftieth birthday celebrations…

The older we get, the more nostalgic we can sometimes be about our past, perhaps how we might have done things differently, if only we knew what the different was back then... There’s no room for regret though – that’s a waste of time because you can’t turn back the clock. It’s about wisdom that can take you forward to make different decisions.  However, if you could go back in a time machine and go against every time travel convention and have a conversation with the younger you, say, in your 20’s, what advice might you give? For what it’s worth, here are my musings...

Don’t sweat the small stuff

I used to be a relentless worrier. So much so that a teacher at my primary school once said to me: “Kirsty, you’d worry if you had nothing to worry about!” I’ve had to work very hard on my thoughts and when I feel worry rearing its ugly head, I say to myself: ‘That’s interesting Kirsty, why do you think you’re thinking like that?’ It helps me to reframe what it is I’m so concerned about. Is there a need to analyse and over-analyse this issue or situation in such depth? Would talking to someone else help? Perhaps another perspective on the situation…

Another helpful way to look at it is to ask myself will I worry about this in a month’s time? Six month’s-time? A year’s time? 5 years-time? How much time do I really need to allocate thinking about this?

An example of the small stuff for me is my daughter’s bedroom. I remember my Mum stressing about my sister’s room being in a complete state. Now I am experiencing the same thing, I go in when I need to such as deliver clean linen, then back out and close the door. I know my daughter will clean her room when she can no longer find things, so I leave it up to her. It’s not worth the nagging because essentially, it makes no difference to me. As long as her clothes are clean and there’s no mould festering in there, it’s her space.

Choosing high schools, that’s a different kettle of fish. Yes, allocate the time to a more complex issue but again, perspective is needed.

Know what is worth your time and what isn’t. Spend that time you’d be needlessly worrying on enjoying life!

Life lessons are as valuable as the ones in the classroom

I went down the traditional route of GCSEs, A Levels and studying for a degree. Whilst I wholeheartedly believe qualifications open doors for you, they’re not the be-all and end-all.  The deal-breaker for me is experience of life, attitude, mindset and effective thinking skills – they’re what leverage all those certificates.

There are so many young people worrying in August because they didn’t achieve the grades they wanted in their GCSEs, A Levels, Higher and Advanced Highers and I do get that. But there are so many possibilities out there and the clichés are so often true – when one door closes, another one opens. Many look back on their life and say not achieving a certain grade led them down a different path and one that in fact resulted in far greater opportunities.

Being at College was a big eye-opener for me after sheltered school-life, living away from home whilst studying for my degree was certainly an experience but nothing compares to being out in the big wide world and meeting a cross-section of people all leading varying types of lives and with a wealth of experience to share.

If you don’t attain the grades you aimed for, fear not. Have belief in yourself and know that you are going to carve out an awesome life.

Love you above all else

A younger me was a people-pleaser – I would do things which I thought would help others and hoped as a result, they’d like me. Looking back, I obviously needed validation from others in order to like myself. I was so upset if someone didn’t like me/found me annoying/didn’t want to be my friend. It was all pretty exhausting to be honest.

The kernel of self-image has to be love for yourself. An analogy I use is the safety advice on an airplane – always put your oxygen mask on before putting a child’s mask on – how can you save them if you’re not able to breathe? What a great metaphor for life - how can we truly love others unless we know how to love ourselves? Once we know that, that’s true love and is such a valuable lesson for all. Lucille Ball couldn’t have put it better when she said: “I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.”

Many would say this is selfish – to love yourself first rather than to put others first. Ultimately though, all human beings are selfish – we will do what sits most comfortably with our emotional needs and that’s OK because there is such a thing as being positively selfish – which some may call altruism. As Joey and Phoebe discover in Friends though, there is no such thing as a selfless deed. Everything we do is because it’s aligned with our values.

If you’re a people-pleaser, ask yourself why, what’s your motivation. Then learn how to like you for being you. Say ‘no’ to people and if it makes you feel better, soften it by saying ‘it’s not against you, it’s for me’. It’s liberating and empowering.

So love yourself, know that you don’t need anyone else’s validation or approval and that you’re worthy of happiness.

The only constant in life is change

My goodness me, this is a good piece of advice. Life bobs along and you’re happy as Larry and then bam! You’re thrown a curve ball which at the very least, upsets the apple cart, maybe challenges the status quo and at worst, might have devastating and life-changing results. Life very rarely stays the same and being able to adapt to the changing circumstances we are often faced with, is crucial to good mental health. Knowing and understanding things don’t always go to plan and the ‘normal’ might be challenged, is a good lesson at a young age. Best friends leave you at primary school, you move house, parents separate, the company you work for goes down the swanny, loved ones die. But all change doesn’t have to be bad. There is good in change. New friendships and relationships are enriching, a new house brings a new environment, redundancy brings new choices. Bereavement is obviously the really hard one and that’s about finding a new normal which can take time, for which there is no measure.

At various points in our lives, we may seek someone to help us through a tough time. We hope that when we cannot see the wood for the trees, their words can beat a path through the wilderness and help us to find the right track.

Know that life changes constantly and seek solace in others when you might need help to make sense of it all.

Time is the most precious gift you can give to another

I moved to London not long after finishing my degree and would come back to visit family and friends every few months or so. A weekend was never enough time to see everyone though and I had so many pulls on my time. I never felt I spent enough quality time with anyone and every Sunday evening as I journeyed back to London, I’d beat myself up that I hadn’t planned the weekend properly.

What I would say to myself now is pick one destination and stay there. The next weekend you visit, see someone else. Be intentional and be there 100%, rather than clock-watching and worrying about what time you need to leave to be at the next place.

We hear so much how the pace of life seems to be quicker now more than ever, how there are never enough hours in the day to squeeze everything in. It of course boils down to your values – what’s most important to you. If you really want to spend more time with someone, you’ll make that time and you’ll be there, in the moment.

Some years ago, we had a participant on the Winning Edge programme who didn’t have a great relationship with his teenage son. Working long hours enabled them to live in the big dream house, pay for amazing holidays and live the lifestyle to which they’d become accustomed. All that came at a cost though – it meant less time at home with the family. After the Winning Edge, and with a comprehension of how trying to understand another’s Mental Map means we can understand them better, he consciously made time for his son. It was the simple things, such as playing on the Xbox with him. We got an email a little while later to say the Dad wanted us to know he’d acted on what he’d learnt on the Winning Edge and now the dynamic between his son and him had completely changed and, most importantly as a result, his son was no longer self-harming. A dramatic and uplifting shift and all because the son felt important and loved.

Pearls of wisdom

Maybe this is all food for thought – a prompt – to generate thoughts about what advice you would either give the younger you/an intern/work experience student or your children/nieces/nephews/godchildren and so on.  Everyone will have their own advice they can impart to others. Please do visit our Facebook page and share your wisdom in the comments below – what advice you would give to your younger self. We’re all bound to learn something from each other because as you know, we’re all a work in progress! Maybe we can start trending on social media with #pearlsofwisdom and can help others to learn from our experiences…

“The doors of wisdom are never shut.” Benjamin Franklin